You may have noticed a lack of my presence in the doula world lately. Despite my baby being here, I am not physically, mentally, or emotionally able to place myself back into the birth world at this time.
I ended my last post by saying my next plan was to take care of me but here I am 4 months later only beginning to scratch the surface of what that really means. Sherri said to me that she believed adrenal fatigue was the cause of my pregnancy health problems and that having the baby did not mean I had successfully addressed those issues. This meant that I was still going to get light headed upon standing, still feel “tired yet wired” ALL THE TIME, still feel unbelievably overwhelmed over the smallest things, and so on. (These symptoms are essentially caused by living with too much stress for too long and never giving adrenal glands a break from producing cortisol.) I wanted to believe she was wrong but she wasn’t. I did nothing about it at for a while and then decided that maybe increasing the nutritional value of my diet would magically give me energy. So I improved my diet. While beneficial this wasn’t the magic pill I hoped for. I mentioned my symptoms in a facebook group (again hoping for a quick fix) and many people said it sounds like adrenal fatigue. Sherri was in this facebook group and told me to call her. I did and she again reiterated how vital it was that I start letting go of stress and being “selfish” for a while. She also explained that if I continued on the path that I was on that I my physical symptoms would only get worse. After that call I began researching the details and symptoms of adrenal fatigue and it appeared pretty obvious she was right both in diagnosis and treatment.
So here I am realizing how much effort it is to quiet the mind, let go of things I feel responsible for, let myself sleep, allow myself to find a hobby which creates personal “flow,” reexamine true happiness, and so on. Essentially heal my mind, so I can heal my body and my spirit. I’ve had so few stress coping techniques in place for so long! I have recently become more intimately aware of how closely related the mind, body, and spirit are. Not coincidentally, amongst all these physical problems I’d been having, I had also been struggling with the most confusing spiritual questions I had ever faced and I see now in retrospect why that is. I wasn’t taking care of my mind and my body and spirit were both suffering.
I’m currently trying to accept myself as is and not judge me for being a “bad wife, mom, friend, etc.” I’m also trying to tell myself that other peoples opinion on the matter don’t matter. If they don’t believe this is a real thing and I need to just “deal with it,” then I really shouldn’t be making that my problem. Still the guilt is at times inescapable.
I feel as I continue to work towards healing my mind, body, and spirit that I will continue to receive more direction on what is going to help me. I am positive this journey isn’t over but it is nice to have some direction now.